Dog Spam

The best advice I have ever given puppy owners is to get a newspaper and roll it up very tight. Secure it with a rubber band and leave it on the coffee table. Then, when the puppy piddles in the house, chews up a slipper or does anything s/he's not supposed to do, simply take the newspaper and bang it on the top of YOUR head very hard while repeating...

"I should have been watching my puppy!"
"I should have been watching my puppy!"

(1) My life is likely to last 10 to 15 years. Any separation from you will be very painful.
(2) Give me time to understand what you want of me. I want to please you, but consider that I may not understand what you want from me.
(3) Place your trust in me - it is crucial for my well-being.
(4) Don't be angry with me for long, and don't lock me up as punishment. You have your work, your friends, your entertainment - I HAVE ONLY YOU!
(5) Talk to me. Even if I don't understand your words, I understand your voice when it's speaking to me.
(6) Be aware that however you treat me, I'll NEVER forget it.
(7) Before you hit me or are rough to me, remember that I have teeth that could easily crush the bones in your hand, but I choose not to bite you.
(8) Before you scold me for being lazy or uncooperative, ask yourself if something might be bothering me. Perhaps I'm not getting the right food, I've been out in the sun too long, or I may be getting old and weak.
(9) Take care of me when I get old. You, too, will grow old and will want to be taken care of by loved ones.
(10) Go with me on difficult journeys. Never say "I can't bear to watch it" or "Let it happen in my absence." Everything is easier for ME if you are there.

Remember, I love you unconditionally.

A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead. He remembered dying, and that the dog had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them. After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble.

At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight When he was standing before it, he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother of pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side. When he was close enough, he called out, "Excuse me, where are we?"

"This is heaven, sir," the man answered.

"Wow! Would you happen to have some water?" the man asked.

"Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up." The man gestured, and the gate began to open.

"Can my friend," gesturing toward his dog, "come in, too?" the traveler asked.

"I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets."

The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going.

After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road which led through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence. As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book.

"Excuse me!" he called to the reader. "Do you have any water?"

"Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there" The man pointed to a place that couldn't be seen from outside the gate. "Come on in."

"How about my friend here?" the traveler gestured to the dog.

"There should be a bowl by the pump."

They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it. The traveler filled the bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog. When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree waiting for them.

"What do you call this place?" the traveler asked.

"This is heaven," was the answer.

"Well, that's confusing," the traveler said. "The man down the road said that was heaven, too."

"Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's hell."

"Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?"

"No. I can see how you might think so, but we're just happy that they screen out the folks who'll leave their best friends behind."

I love my master;
Thus I perfume myself with
This long-rotten squirrel.

I lie belly-up
In the sunshine, happier than
You ever will be.

Today I sniffed many
Dog a**holes - I celebrate
By kissing your face.

I sound the alarm!
Paperboy - come to kill us all -
Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!

I sound the alarm!
Garbage man - come to kill us all -
Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!

I lift my leg and
Whiz on each bush . Hello,
Spot - sniff this and weep.

How do I love thee?
The ways are numberless as
My hairs on the rug.

My human is home!
I am so ecstatic I
Have made a puddle.

I hate my choke chain -
Look, world, they strangle me!
Ack Ack Ack Ack Ack Ack!

Sleeping here, my chin
On your foot - no greater bliss - well,
Maybe catching rats.

Look in my eyes and
Deny it. No human could
Love you as I do.

The cat is not all
Bad - she fills the litter box
With Tootsie Rolls.

Dig under fence - why?
Because it's there. Because it's
There. Because it's there.

I am your best friend,
Now, always, and especially
When you are eating.

You may call them fleas,
But they are far more - I call
Them a vocation.

Collie + Lhasa Apso	Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport.
Spitz + Chow Chow	Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot.
Bloodhound + Borzoi	Bloody Bore, a dog that's not much fun.
Pointer + Setter	Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet.
Kerry Blue Terrier + Skye Terrier	Blue Skye, a dog for visionaries.
Great Pyrenees + Dachshund	Pyradachs, a puzzling breed.
Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso	Peekasso, an abstract dog.
Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel	Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle.
Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever	Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists.
Newfoundland + Basset Hound	Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors.
Terrier + Bulldog	Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes.
Bloodhound + Labrador	Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly.
Malamute + Pointer	Moot Point, owned by..... oh well, it doesn't matter anyway.
Collie + Malamute	Commute, a dog that travels to work.
Deerhound + Terrier	Derriere, a dog that's true to the end.
Bulldog + Shih Tzu	(I'm sure you can figure out what this "new" breed is called.)

(1) If I like it, it's mine.
(2) If it's in my mouth, it's mine.
(3) If I can take it from you, it's mine.
(4) If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
(5) If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
(6) If I'm chewing something up, all the pieces are mine.
(7) If it just looks like mine, it's mine.
(8) If I saw it first, it's mine.
(9) If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.
(10) If it's broken, it's yours.

(1)   Dogs are never permitted in the house. The dog stays outside in a specially built wooden compartment named, for very good reason, the dog house.
(2)   Okay, the dog can enter the house but only for short visits or if his own house is under renovation.
(3)   Okay, the dog can stay in the house on a permanent basis provided his dog house can be sold in a lawn sale to a rookie dog owner.
(4)   Inside the house, the dog is not allowed to run free and is confined to a comfortable but secure metal cage.
(5)   Okay, the cage becomes part of a two-for-one deal in the lawn sale, and the dog can go wherever the hell he pleases.
(6)   The dog is never allowed on the furniture.
(7)   Okay, the dog can get up on the old furniture but not the new furniture.
(8)   Okay, the dog can get up on the new furniture until it looks like the old furniture and then we'll sell the whole damn works and buy new furniture on which the dog will most definitely not be allowed.
(9)   The dog never sleeps on the bed. Period.
(10) Okay, the dog can sleep at the foot of the bed only.
(11) Okay, the dog can sleep alongside you, but he's not allowed under the covers.
(12) Okay, the dog can sleep under the covers but not with his head on the pillow.
(13) Okay, the dog can sleep alongside you, under the covers with his head on the pillow, but if he snores, he's got to leave the room.
(14) Okay, the dog can sleep and snore and have nightmares in your bed, but he's not to come in and sleep on the couch in the TV room, where you're now sleeping. That's just not fair.
(15) The dog never gets listed on the census questionnaire as "primary resident", even if it's true.

(1) Both take up too much space on the bed.
(2) Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
(3) Both mark their territory.
(4) Neither tells you what's bothering them.
(5) The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
(6) Neither do any dishes.
(7) Neither of them notices when you get your hair cut.
(8) Both like dominance games.
(9) Both are suspicious of the postman.
(10) Neither understands what you see in cats.

(1) Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
(2) Dogs miss you when you're gone.
(3) Dogs feel guilty when they've done something wrong.
(4) Dogs admit when they're jealous.
(5) Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
(6) Dogs do not play games with you -- except fetch.
(7) You can train a dog.
(8) Dogs are easy to buy for.
(9) The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas. (OK, the really worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's a vaccine for it and you can kill the one that gives it to you).
(10) Dogs understand what "no" means.
(11) Dogs mean it when they kiss you.

(1) A dog's parents will never visit you.
(2) A dog loves you when you leave your clothes on the floor.
(3) A dog limits its time in the bathroom to a quick drink.
(4) A dog never expects you to telephone.
(5) A dog will not get mad at you if you forget its birthday.
(6) A dog does not care about the previous dogs in your life.
(7) A dog does not get mad at you if you pet another dog
(8) A dog never expects flowers on Valentine's Day.
(9) The later you are, the happier a dog is to see you.
(10) A dog does not shop.

(1) Dogs will tilt their heads and try to understand every word you say. Cats will ignore you and take a nap.
(2) Cats look silly on a leash.
(3) When you come home from work, your dog will be happy and lick your face. Cats will still be mad at you for leaving in the first place.
(4) Dogs will give you unconditional love until the day they die. Cats will make you pay for every mistake you've ever made since the day you were born.
(5) A dog knows when you're sad. And he'll try to comfort you. Cats don't care how you feel, as long as you remember where the can opener is.
(6) Dogs will bring you your slippers. Cats will drop a dead mouse in your slippers.
(7) When you take them for a ride, dogs will sit on the seat next to you. Cats have to have their own private basket, or they won't go at all.
(8) Dogs will come when you call them. And they'll be happy. Cats will have someone take a message and get back to you.
(9) Dogs will play fetch with you all day long. The only thing cats will play with all day long are small rodents or bugs, preferably ones that look like they're in pain.
(10) Dogs will wake you up if the house is on fire. Cats will quietly sneak out the back door.

(1) If you stare at someone long enough, eventually you'll get what you want.
(2) Don't go out without ID.
(3) Be direct with people; let them know exactly how you feel by piddling on their shoes.
(4) Be aware of when to hold your tongue, and when to use it.
(5) Leave room in your schedule for a good nap.
(6) When you do something wrong, always take responsibility (as soon as you're dragged shamefully out from under the bed).
(7) If it's not wet and sloppy, it's not a real kiss.

If dogs were teachers, you would learn stuff like . . . .

● When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
● Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.
● Allow the experienced of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.
● When it's in your best interest, practice obedience.
● Let others know when they've invaded your territory.
● Take naps. stretch before rising.
● Run, romp, and play daily.
● Thrive on attention and let people touch you! .
● Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.
● On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass.
● On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.
● When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
● No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout . . .run right back and make friends.
● Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.
● Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you have had enough.
● Be loyal.
● Never pretend to be something you're not.
● If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.
● When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by, and nuzzle them gently.
● And finally, never trust anyone until you sniff their butt.

Golden Retriever	The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb?
Border Collie	Just one. And I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
Malamute	Let the Border collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy.
Toy Poodle	I'll just blow in the Border collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
Dachshund	I can't reach the stupid lamp!
Rottweiler	Go Ahead! Make me!
Shi-tzu	Puh-leeze, dah-ling. Let the servants. . . .
Lab	Oh, me, me!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I?
Cocker Spaniel	Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
Doberman Pinscher	While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch.
Mastiff	Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.
Hound Dog	ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
Chihuahua	Yo quiero Taco Bulb.
Irish Wolfhound	Can somebody else do it? I've got a hangover.
Pointer	I see it, there it is, right there...
Greyhound	It isn't moving. Who cares?
Australian Shepherd	Put all the light bulbs in a little circle...
Old English Sheep Dog	Light bulb? Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?
German Shepherd	I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation
Jack Russell Terrier	I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.
Maltese	Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.

● Are a special breed not usually recognized by the AKC.
● Think everyone has crates in their living room.
● Have messy houses, but their kennels are spotless.
● Can always find a show catalog from somewhere within arm's reach.
● Have kids who know more about the "birds and the bees" when they're five than most people know when they are 40.
● Drive trucks, vans, and station wagons specially equipped to haul dog crates.
● Can never be reached on a weekend, they're usually at a dog show.
● Will drive 400 miles, spend $100 on gas, $200 on a motel and $150 for meals to bring home a 35 cent ribbon.
● Have kids who regard "bitch" as just another household word.
● Have lush, green, beautiful back yards and they've never bought a bag of fertilizer.
● Get up at 6am to walk the dogs, can be at ringside dressed to kill at 8am, but have trouble getting to work on time.
● Will usually give up the $150,000 home in the suburbs to move to a shack on 10 acres so they can have a $150,000 kennel.
● Never miss a closing date for entry fees but pay the mortgage 10 days late.
● Would rather be audited by the IRS than investigated by the AKC.
● Use dog food bags for trash cans and 30 gallon trash cans for dog food.
● Talk for hours on the phone to another dog person in a language known only to dog people.
● Have parents who think they've lost their minds.
● Have dog friends who think they are terrific.
● Are just plain crazy.

Oh darn, I'm dejected, my gosh but I'm sad,
My obedience dog is driving me MAD!
When we practice at home ... why, he works like a dream,
Puts on a performance that rates high esteem.
His recalls are groovy, he "drops" like a flash,
He "fronts" with precision, what more could I ask?
The high jump he clears with incredible flair,
The dumbbell held high as he soars through the air.
The broad jump's no challenge, he clears it with ease,
As he soars on high just as smug as you please.
On sits and on downs, well ... he's BETTER than steady,
Doesn't move one iota, doesn't sniff or get heady.
But then comes the day that we enter a trial,
He's NON COMPUS MENTUS, completely SENILE!
He bombed on the heeling, the "recall" no better,
And THEN on the "down" he made love to a Setter.
So then as I stand looking grey as a stone,
I utter out loud, "Well, he works great at home."
From the judges' expression, he thinks I'm insane,
For no dog has acted quite so inane.
From this I have come to one brilliant conclusion,
My dog rates first place in the art of illusion.

I asked for strength that I might rear him perfectly;
I was given weakness that I might feed him more treats.

I asked for good health that I might rest easy;
I was given a "special needs" dog that I might know nurturing.

I asked for an obedient dog that I might feel proud;
I was given stubbornness that I might feel humble.

I asked for compliance that I might feel masterful;
I was given a clown that I might laugh.

I asked for a companion that I might not feel lonely;
I was given a best friend that I would feel loved.

I got nothing I asked for,
But everything that I needed.

Now I lay me down to sleep,
The king-size bed is soft and deep..
I sleep right in the center groove
My human being can hardly move!
I've trapped her legs, she's tucked in tight
And here is where I pass the night
No one disturbs me or dares intrude
Till morning comes and "I want food!"
I sneak up slowly to begin
My nibbles on my human's chin.
She wakes up quickly,
I have sharp teeth-
I'm a puppy, don't you see?
For the morning's here
And it's time to play
I always seem to get my way.
So thank you Lord for giving me
This human person that I see.
The one who hugs and holds me tight
And shares her bed with me at night!

Obedience Barbie:
Barbie comes with a training bag full of gear, a set of utility articles, a full set of regulation obedience jumps, her own lawn chair, cooler, a subscription to Front and Finish, and her very own obedience Golden Retriever "OTCh Sparklepond's Shorestepper's Heelalong Fool" better known as "Two-hundred". Accessories such as HIT ribbons and high scoring club plaques can be purchased separately.

Agility Barbie:
Unlike most slim, attractive versions of Barbie, this Barbie is quite muscular from hauling very heavy A-Frames, teeter-totters, tunnels, and dog walks. She can carry an A-frame panel with one arm and set up all of the contact obstacles single-handedly. Barbie comes complete with a full set of agility equipment, lawn chair, cooler, stopwatch, battery operated fans, an open-sided tent for shade, sunscreen, bug-spray, rain suit, waterproof boots, 57 different agility rule books for all occasions, and her very own courier (Ken) who can hand deliver agility entries to the most popular trials and stand in line for Barbie. Ken also helps set up the equipment. Barbie also comes with her own agility dog, Border Collie "ADCH, MACH, S-NATCH Runaround's Speed Demon etc, etc, etc, ", or "Contact". Trailer for hauling agility equipment sold separately.

Tracking Judge Barbie:
Barbie comes with a polartec snowsuit, Gore-Tex raingear and boots, wool socks, leather tracking gloves, silk long underwear, sunscreen, bug spray, a baseball cap, a waterproof clipboard, mylar paper and space pens in three colors. She also comes with whistles in two different colors to match the snowsuit and rain gear, a complete set of tracking flags, a compass, and a set of 12 different tracking articles. Unlike most Barbies, this Barbie always has a "bad hair day" so it's best to leave a hood or the baseball cap over her hair at all times. Included in the deluxe version is Barbie's tracking dog "Pokealong's Can't Find Squat TD", or "Sniffer", a Siberian Husky who comes with his own harness and rope as well as a lifetime supply of hot dogs. Sniffer has been known to eat start articles with one gulp and turn the start flag into a large toy at TDX tests, grabbing it in his mouth and running in large circles around the field (especially when there is a large audience watching). This version also comes with a case of Valium for Tracking Judge Barbie for this very reason. This is the most expensive Barbie and most collectors prefer to leave her in the original box.

Earthdog Barbie:
Barbie comes with her very own monogrammed shovel, a custom-built liner for training, and a cage with three live rats. Also included are several pair of jeans, flannel shirts, t-shirts, rain gear, sunscreen, bug spray, and waterproof boots. Barbie comes with several small terriers (you choose the breed) and two first aid kits (one for the dogs when they get in fights, and one for Barbie when she gets her hand in the way) as well as a .38 revolver for emergencies (don't ask). This version of Barbie can be removed from the box but some collectors prefer to leave the terriers in the original box.

Herding Barbie:
This very popular Barbie comes with her very own authentic drover coat, Stetson cowboy hat, several pair of cowboy boots, waterproof boots for very inclement weather, silk long johns, wool socks, and a monogrammed staff. Much like Tracking Judge Barbie, this version of Barbie has perpetual "bad hair", so be prepared to leave the cowboy hat on at all times. Also included is her very own monogrammed stretcher so that she can be carried out of the arena when the sheep run over her. Barbie comes with her own Sheltie, "Round 'em Up's Chaser HI", or "Yapper". "Yapper" comes with her own gold-plated chain so that she can be hooked up to the barbed wire fence with all the Cattle Dogs and Border Collies (barbed wire fence not included). Barbie also comes with several sheep, cows, and ducks, making her one of the more expensive Barbies.

Field Trial Barbie:
This Barbie is by far the most expensive. This Barbie will come equipped with two complete changes of flannel lined jeans, Polar Fleece vests, muck boots, hiking boots, Carhart bibs and coats, rip-stop chaps, oiled dusters, Outback hats, blaze orange vests and hats, leather work gloves, 6 different training whistles with distinct sounds, starter pistols, shotguns, bird bags, and a stock of quail and homing pigeons. She also has 4 complete changes of long underwear and wool socks and a baseball cap to hide her perpetually bad hair. She will also come equipped with a .44 magnum for emergencies. Field Trial Barbie will also come with several dogs at various training levels so that she might always have something to enter. Each dog will have a ground stake, food and water dishes, electronic training collar, and reversible orange and yellow reflective collar. Options available for Field Trial Barbie are the pair of Tennessee Walking Horses tacked out in Trooper Saddles, Calvary headstalls, 20' tie out stakes made out of truck axles, 30' roading line, and old orange juice bottles to carry dog water. Other options will include the three horse slant load trailer with tack room, a quad cab dual axle pick up truck, and an oversized motor home. Other options available for an extra charge will be the deluxe custom Built crates for the dogs and the understanding husband. Also available are the pigeon coop and recall pen. Options you will be purchasing weekly will be quail, shotgun shells, 50# bags of horse grain, hay, and 40# bags of dog food. Field Trial Barbie is extremely independent and travels extensively all year chasing Field Trials and good hunting grounds.

And last, but not least, the most popular one of all is the

Dog Club President Barbie:
Comes with TWO cases of Miss Clairol hair color (to color her own gray hair), a monogrammed strait jacket, a leather-bound copy of "Robert's Rules of Order", and a gold-plated gavel. The gavel unscrews at the end and is secretly a .357 magnum which can be used to keep unruly club member under control or just get rid of them all together!

Four wheel drive Sport Utility Vehicles and Mini Vans complete with dog crates are sold separately for all versions of Barbie.

I hear it! I hear the car! HER car! And she's coming this way!
Oh, oh, I must run in and grab a gift! I must greet her with a gift!
Oh, 'BONK' missed the step. No matter, I must hurry. Move over, doggy door! She's coming, she's coming!
Gift, gift, where, what, oh, oh, oh, ah! A plastic bottle she drinks from, right here on top of the container they call trash! Oh, perfect.
She's coming, she's coming! Oh, oh, oh...
The door! I hear the door sound that sounds right before she comes in!
Oh, it's OPENING! SHE'S HOME!
Oh, oh, 'wiggle, wiggle, wiggle' I cannot be still! You're home! And look, look, I have this nice bottle! Oh, oh, you're home! YOU'RE HOME!
I have missed you so much, you've been gone hours, weeks, days, years! And so much has happened! A dog ran by and I chewed a tree and Pluto slept under the house and it rained a little!
Oh, oh, oh! You're home, you're home!
And you're touching me! I can't stand it, it's so marvelous! Oh, and you're speaking! "Murble, murble, good boy, murble, murble."
YES! Your happy voice. Oh, I'm about to burst! I'm so happy, happy, happy! Yes! I want to jump! I'm not supposed to jump, but oh, oh, just a little jump!
"Off."
Darn. Oh, I cannot be still.
I'll roll over and wiggle on my back! Oh, yes! She's rubbing me-my tummy, my head, my sides! Oh, oh,oh.
Now what? Now where's she going? Oh, oh, yes! Back to the room where we sleep at night! Great! It has the big pad we sleep on and 'L-E-A-P' I can get up here close to her.
And here she comes!
Oh, oh, oh! I can stand on my legs and put my paws around her neck and-uh oh. Can't lick with this bottle in my mouth. But it's my present to her! Oh, oh, what to do? And she's rubbing me! But I want to lick her, oh, oh, I think I'm about to burst!
"Off."
Oh, darn. Drop the bottle. Oh, YES! She's coming back!
She took off the pieces she puts on her eyes, and I can stand and 'lick, lick' I love you, I love you, I love you, I love 'lick, lick, lick' you taste so good, salty, sweet, I love that stuff you smear on your face every day, I love to lick it off, oh, oh, and you're rubbing me again!
My back, my head, my ears, oh, oh 'lick, lick, lick'. "Murble, murble, Mickee, good boy, murble, murble."
"Off."
Darn.
I will lay here and watch her. Watch her peel her fur-it's-not. It is very warm. I don't know because I don't think. How does she do that?
And I will get that look on my face that always makes her come and rub me. The look where I roll my eyes up, and keep my head flat here and she will come...and she's putting on her play skin! YES! We will play-sometime. My tail cannot be still. I am SO happy, happy, happy.
Now she's going in the room with the wonderful water bowl! I LOVE that water bowl - always cool, clean water! She'll be out in just a minute, just a minute, just a.....yes, she's coming! She's here again.
Oh, oh, oh....
Now back to the room with the box that has pictures and sounds. Ah, I know what happens now. Yep, she's laying down on the big pad there. Now she'll sleep. But that's okay.
She's HOME!
SHE'S home.
She's home.
And she smells tired. So I will lay beside her here and guard her and wait while she sleeps. And when she wakes up she won't smell so tired. And we'll play and play.
S-i-g-h. I'll just rest with her now, and smell her while she sleeps.
And wait again. For, the next thing that happens, HE'LL be home.
And then, oh, oh, zzzzzzzzz........

One day in heaven, Saint Peter, Saint Paul and Saint John were standing around near the kennels watching the dogs frolic. "I am certainly bored," stated John. "Me too," Paul chimed in.

Peter stood and watched the dogs. "I know!" Peter began. "Why don't we have a dog show?"

Paul and John thought that the idea was great except for one small detail that Paul pointed out.

"Who are we to compete against, Peter?" Paul asked. The trio pondered a moment when Peter realized the answer.

"We will call up Satan and invite him to the dog show. I mean, we have all of the finest dogs here in heaven, all of the National Specialty, all breed Best In Show, & High In Trial winners are here. His kennel is ridden with the spoiled, difficult and mean dogs.

We are certain to win at the show!" And so the trio calls up Satan on the other realm communication lines and invited him to their dog show.

Satan laughed and asked why they would want to be humiliated like that, because he would certainly beat them. Peter, Paul and John did not understand. "What do you mean Satan?" Peter asked. "We have all of the National Specialty, All Breed Best In Show, and High In Trial winners in our kennel in heaven. How could you possibly beat us?"

Satan paused a moment and then laughed. "Have you forgotten so soon gentlemen?

.......I have all the judges!"

● I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.
● I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
● I will scootch my bottom along the grass to rid myself of hangers-on.
● I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.
● I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house.
● I will not drop soggy tennis balls in the underwear of someone who is sitting on the toilet.
● I will not roll my head around in other animals' poop.
● I will not eat the cats' food, before or after they eat it.
● I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to throw up.
● I will not throw up in the car. I will not roll on dead birds, seagulls, fish, crabs, etc.
● I will not lick my human's face after eating animal poop.
● "Kitty box crunchies" are not food.
● I will not eat any more socks and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing.
● The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
● I will not wake Mommy up by sticking my cold, wet nose up her bottom end.
● I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.
● I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.
● When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside.
● We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.
● I will not steal my Mom's underwear and dance all over the backyard with it.
● The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom & Dad's laps.
● My head does not belong in the refrigerator, dishwasher or trashcan.
● I will not bite the officer's hand w hen he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and car registration.
● I will not spend more than 5 minutes trying to find the "perfect" place to poop.
● I will not eat other animals' poop.
● I will not take off while on leash to chase squirrels while Mommy is standing on a slippery grass slope.

What is a Cat?

(1) Cats do what they want.
(2) They rarely listen to you.
(3) They're totally unpredictable.
(4) When you want to play, they want to be alone.
(5) When you want to be alone, they want to play.
(6) They expect you to cater to their every whim.
(7) They're moody.
(8) They leave hair everywhere.

CONCLUSION: They're tiny women in little fur coats.

What is a Dog?

(1) Dogs spend all day sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.
(2) They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear you when you're in the same room.
(3) They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.
(4) They growl when they are not happy.
(5) When you want to play, they want to play.
(6) When you ant to be alone, they want to play.
(7) The leave their toys everywhere.
(8) They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss.
(9) They go right for your crotch as soon as they meet you.

CONCLUSION: They're tiny men in little fur coats.

A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dog along for company. One day the dog starts chasing butterflies and before long he discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch.

The dog thinks, "Boy-o-boy, I'm in deep doo doo now." Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.

Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly, "Man, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?" Hearing this the leopard halts his attack in mid stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew", says the leopard. "That was close. That dog nearly had me."

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the dog saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."

Now the dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks," What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers pretending he hasn't seen them yet. And just when they get close enough to hear, the dog says, "Where's that monkey? I just can never trust him. I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard, and he's still not back!!"

A local business was looking for office help. The owner put a sign in the window saying: "Help Wanted. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."

A short time later, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.

Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office.

Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.. The manager said, " I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type."

The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back onto the chair.

The manager was stunned, then told the dog; "The sign says you have to be good with a computer."

The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. He proceeds to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager.

By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job."

The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the part about being an Equal Opportunity Employer.

The manager said, "Yes, but the sign also says that you must be bilingual."

The dog looked him straight in the face and responded: "Meow."

If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills,
If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time,
If you can overlook when people take things out on you when, through no
fault of yours, something goes wrong,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can face the world without lies and deceit,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
If you can do all these things . . .

THEN YOU ARE PROBABLY THE FAMILY DOG.

by Alexander Theodore, Bouvier, Fourth Year Resident

On the morning of September 11, 2001, there was an unprecedented amount of activity at the Rainbow Bridge. Decisions had to be made. They had to be made quickly. And, they were.

An issue, not often addressed here, is the fact that many residents really have no loved one for whom to wait. Think of the pups who lived and died in hideous puppy mills. No one on earth loved or protected them. What about the many who spent unhappy lives tied in backyards? And, the ones who were abused, Who are they to wait for? We don't talk about that much up here. We share our loved ones as they arrive, happy to do so. But we all know there is nothing like having your very own person who thinks you are the most special pup in the Heavens.

Last Tuesday morning a request rang out for pups not waiting for specific persons to volunteer for special assignment.. An eager, curious crowd surged excitedly forward, each pup wondering what the assignment would be.

They were told by a solemn voice that unexpectedly, all at once, over 4,000 loving people had left Earth long before they were ready. All the pups, as all pups do, felt the humans' pain deep in their own hearts. Without hearing more, there was a clamoring among them - "May I have one to comfort?"

"I'll take two, I have a big heart." "I have been saving kisses forever."

One after another they came forward begging for assignment. One cozy-looking fluffy pup hesitantly asked, "Are there any children coming? I would be very comforting for a child 'cause I'm soft and squishy and I always wanted to be hugged." A group of Dalmatians came forward asking to meet the Firemen and be their friends. The larger working breeds offered to greet the Police Officers and make them feel at home. ! Little dogs volunteered to do what they do best, cuddle and kiss.

Dogs who on Earth had never had a kind word or a pat on the head, stepped forward and said, "I will love any human who needs love." Then all the dogs, wherever on Earth they originally came from, rushed to the Rainbow Bridge and stood waiting, overflowing with love to share - each tail wagging.

A breeder named Patti receives a free ticket to the Westminster Dog Show from the premium dog food company. Unfortunately, when Patti arrives at the Garden she realizes the seat is in the last row, in the corner of the Garden---she is closer to the ex-pens than the rings.

About halfway through the first group, Patti notices an empty seat 3 rows from the ring gates, in plain view of the examining table. She decides to take a chance and makes her way through the celebrities, owners and big time breeders and around the security guards to the empty seat. As she sits down, she asks the woman sitting next to her, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?" The woman says No.

Now, very excited to be is such a great seat for the most important dog show in the dog world, Patti says to the woman, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Garden and not use it?"

The woman replies, "Well, actually the seat belongs to me; I was supposed to come with my husband, but he passed away. This is the first Westminster Show here at the Garden that we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."

"Well, that's really sad," says Patti, "but still, couldn't you find someone to take the seat? A relative or a close friend?"

"No," the woman replies, "they're all at the funeral.

From New Scientist magazine, 26 February 2000

For thousands of years, dogs have worked with us, eaten with us, lived with us. Do they also think like us, wonders Kate Douglas.

I HAVE a confession to make. I'm not a great dog lover. I simply can't trust a designer wolf. You may see man's best friend, but I see a wild animal that has inveigled its way into our homes and hearts. Sure, it can look cute. But I've always suspected that this beast might leap at my throat without a second thought. After all, dogs just don't understand that such behaviour is socially unacceptable. Or do they?

It turns out that far from being an interloper and socially inept, the dog is the product of tens of thousands of years of evolution in a very particular environment--our homes.

In recent years, evidence has emerged that dogs and humans have been living together for much longer than anyone ever expected. Genetic evidence suggests that we began to domesticate dogs while we were still hunter-gatherers, living in caves and mastering the first grunts of language (see "New tricks and old dogs"). Researchers are just starting to reveal how this strange partnership has shaped the way canines think and behave. "The dog's natural environment is the human family or other human social settings," says Vilmos Csányi from Eötvös Loránd University in Budapest.

Because humans and dogs evolved together he believes that we share certain patterns of thought that allow us to live together. "Dogs are interested in the emotional and intentional content of the human mind and they are able to learn and to maintain the rules of human social settings," says Csányi. So while others look to apes to shed light on social cognition, his team is pioneering the study of dogs.

One of the first things they did was to investigate the bond between humans and their pooches, to see how like a family member they really are. Dogs and their owners are clearly emotionally attached, and selective breeding has favoured infantile canine features. But, soppiness aside, does the relationship between the two species really resemble the bond between a human parent and child? To find out, József Topál, Ádam Miklósi and other researchers from Csányi's lab gave dogs the "strange situation test", originally devised to study the special bond or attachment that exists between an infant and its mother or primary carer.

A securely attached baby behaves in a characteristic way in a strange situation. Provided the mother is nearby, the infant shows little fear and is happy to explore a new environment. When she leaves, the infant becomes distressed but will usually settle with a stranger. The preference for the mother is clear, however, when she returns and the baby is eager to greet her.

Topál and Miklósi tested how 51 dogs responded to a similar strange situation. The dogs were keen to play and explore in an unfamiliar room, as long as their owner was there. When the owner left, the dogs didn't play so much and showed other signs of anxiety such as barking and waiting by the door. Even if they eventually settled, all well-attached dogs greeted their returning owners enthusiastically. "It seems that dogs and infants behave very similarly," says Miklósi, "and we think this is a result of evolutionary domestication."

Csányi says there are two stages to forming this relationship. First, comes a form of imprinting. If 6 to 12-week-old puppies come into contact with people, their innate capacity to bond leads them to accept humans as a member of their own species. Thereafter a dog can develop an attachment to any person who shows it affection.

The researchers believe that the attachment to people might explain why dogs sometimes appear stupid. Back in 1980, Harry Frank from the University of Michigan-Flint, described how a wolf that could not be trained to sit on command learned to manipulate a complicated door catch simply by watching another wolf open it. But trained dogs couldn't master the catch even after years of seeing the door open and close. Frank concluded that through domestication dogs become obedient and trainable while losing some cognitive abilities such as problem solving. They have a decreased capacity for insight because throughout their evolution human intervention has detached them from the consequences of their actions.

Many people believe that any domestic animal is not as intelligent as its wild relative. Dogs certainly have smaller brains for their body size than wolves, particularly in the areas associated with vision and olfaction. But as Miklósi points out, domestication is not necessarily to blame. One likely ancestor of dogs, the small Asiatic wolf, had a smaller brain than other wolves. What's more, dogs don't seem to have lost other mental abilities that would have helped their ancestors hunt in packs. They understand object permanence--that things don't just disappear even when they can no longer see them. "Dogs are maybe at a similar level in this ability as apes," says Miklósi. And they are capable of making mental maps to allow them to find new routes through familiar territory.

Topál and Miklósi suspected that the poor problem-solving ability of canines did not stem from a loss of mental abilities during their evolution, but from the way an individual dog's behaviour is shaped by its relationship with its owners and by training. The stronger the attachment between a dog and its owner, the researchers suggested, the more likely the pet was to behave in a socially dependent way, relinquishing its powers of independent thought and action.

To test the idea they asked 28 owners to fill in a questionnaire showing the extent of their anthropomorphic attitudes to their dog. Questions included, "How often do you allow the dog into your bed?", "Do you celebrate your dog's birthday?" and "To what extent does your dog identify with your emotions?" The dogs were then given a problem to solve. They had to work out that they could get a food reward by pulling on the handles of plastic dishes that protruded from underneath a wire fence.

Sure enough, the more intimate the bond between dog and owner, the worse the animal at solving the problem. But the differences disappeared as soon as the owners encouraged their dogs to get the food. "Dogs with an intimate bond did not perform worse but showed 'dependent' behaviour," says Miklósi. "It is not that they don't understand the problem."

Csányi and his team can back up this claim with further evidence from their studies of interactions between blind people and guide dogs. "In this case, we find the best problem-solving dogs are those that are strongly attached to their blind masters," says Csányi. Here the bond allows a dog to cooperate with a human to negotiate difficult situations. So, although guide dogs are trained to take control, the researchers found that once an animal develops a bond with its master, it hands over the decision making only to step in when the need arises.

Until now only humans were supposed to be capable of this kind of sophisticated cooperation, where the initiative is constantly shifting between two parties. Other animals only work together where they share interests and objectives, such as those hunting in packs, or defending young offspring.

Obeying the rules

In Csányi's view, domestication has in fact increased the dog's cognitive cabilities, not reduced them as Frank believes. By selecting individuals that form strong attachments and are tractable, we have produced an animal that is genetically predisposed to learn and obey rules.

While this is central to the guide dog's abilities, it also means all dogs can fit into their particular social environment. Even without formal training, dogs become socialised simply by being with people. They have a talent for working out the underlying rules. "They easily extract them from games and from observing other dogs or humans," says Csányi.

Marc Bekoff from the University of Colorado has studied how dogs, wolves and coyotes play. "All animals learn certain codes of conduct about their own species' morality through play," he says. "I think dogs learn codes of conduct from humans through dog/human play." They learn the ground rules for acceptable behaviour, such as how hard they can bite without harming. And, like any animal, when dogs play, they hone the behaviours they will need elsewhere.

There is little research into the evolutionary effects of such interactions between dogs and humans, but Bekoff suspects that they have enriched the mental life of dogs. A study in his lab reveals that playful interactions between puppies are much more varied than those between young wolves or coyotes. He thinks dogs have evolved more varied forms of behaviour because of the sophisticated games people play with their pets and the selection for dogs that are good at such games. "It would feed over into other areas," says Bekoff. "In general ways it would make the dog more cognitive."

One area where human contact has certainly enhanced the mental capacity of dogs is communication. Miklósi and his colleagues showed that dogs can learn to respond to subtle human gestures. The pets could retrieve hidden food items when prompted by their owner pointing, bowing, nodding, turning their head and even just glancing towards the hiding place. It may sound simple, but no other animal--not even chimps--performs so well.

The researchers believe that dogs really do understand what gestural cues mean. Rhesus monkeys can find a hidden object that a human is pointing to--but only if the distance between the reward and the end of the finger is less than 20 centimetres. They don't seem to understand about pointing, but instead learn that an outstretched finger may signal that there is food nearby.

In Miklósi's study the distance between gesture and reward did not affect a dog's success. Also, because the cue was given before the dogs were allowed to search for food, there was no way they could simply follow the movement of the gesture. Instead, Miklósi suggest, dogs seem to be drawing a mental line between the finger and the reward. "We think this is the first step to argue that dogs understand that we are communicating something to them."

Last year, researchers at Emory University in Atlanta confirmed the findings, and repeated the experiments using dogs to send gestural cues to other dogs. Brian Hare and Michael Tomasello found that while a six-month-old dog could not understand the human gestures, it could responf to cues from another dog. This pattern was reversed in four-year-old dogs. They argue that perhaps dogs have an innate ability to read gaze cues from each other which they learn to extend to people, while, for some reason, losing that capacity with their own species. "Dogs are genetically selected for their ability to tune in to humans," says Tomasello, who is now at the Max Planck Institute in Leipzig.

Miklósi wanted to find out if dogs could send signals to people as well as receive them. He found that when the pets knew where a reward was hidden, they would make a noise to attract their owners and alternate their gaze between the human and the hiding place. Miklósi interprets this behaviour as "showing". "Dogs are able to do the same as human infants and apes," he says. "What is behind this could be a kind of conditioning or a higher mental process." Miklósi believes it is the latter. He argues that if gaze alternation was simply a learned response the behaviour would not be universal. Also, autistic children--who lack a social sense--do not behave in this way.

Tomasello takes a more sceptical view. "Gaze alternation can mean different things and I don't think it means dogs are pointing," he says. "I think they are looking back to check and see whether you are coming." He has found that goats also show this behaviour. "I think gaze alternation is a general mammalian ability, but the dogs are really tuned in," he says.

Symbols and signals

Now Csányi's group is looking at dogs' grasp of language. On average, they found that mature pets understand 40 expressions, mostly signalling actions. The range was between 7 and 80. "Their understanding is different from ours," says Csányi. "We use words as symbols, they use words as signals mainly." So, for example, dogs can extract simple information such as whether they will be going for a walk and who will be taking them. It's not clear how they do it, but the ability can't be explained by simple conditioning because these words are embedded in long sentences, and hearing the word is not immediately followed by going for a walk.

The remarkable social skills of dogs are understandable given that they are adapted to the same environment as we are. "The root of human evolution was crowding," says Csányi. "We do not know exactly why, but early humans started to lump together, which created a complex behavioural problem to be solved." He argues that communication, social bonding, following rules and cooperation have evolved in people and dogs so that both species can cope with this unusual setting. In addition, humans have the ultimate social glue, empathy--we can see into one another's minds. To say that dogs possess similar insight is highly controversial, yet Csányi and others claim that they do.

Most researchers accept that only animals that can recognise themselves in a mirror are self-aware, allowing them to empathise, sympathise and attribute intent and emotions in others. Dogs do not pass the test. And imagine removing porcupine quills from your dog's nose. Ouch! Yet another dog watching this operation would be oblivious to the suffering, according to Gordon Gallup from the State University of New York at Albany, who invented the mirror test. He argues that because dogs have no sense of self, they cannot use their experience of pain to attribute painful experiences to others.

But Csányi suggests that dogs can perceive when a person or another dog is in danger and empathise with the emotional state of people who are sad or ill. Bekoff agrees. In his forthcoming book on animal emotions, he recounts the story of a dog who saved the life of his canine companion by awaking their owner to let him know that the second dog was ill. Bekoff also tells a tale about his own dog, Jethro, who adopted an orphaned rabbit and, years later, rescued an injured bird. "I think Jethro is a truly compassionate soul," writes Bekoff. "He could easily have gulped each down with little effort. But you don't do that to friends, do you?"

Jeffrey Masson, author of Dogs never lie about love, has no doubt that dogs empathise with humans. "If they're not self-aware, how come they can appear so guilty?" he asks. Csányi even goes so far as to compare canine attachment with human love--empathy incarnate. Masson believes that dogs could teach us a thing or two about love and, indeed, may already have done so. Dogs have been part of our evolutionary environment, just as we have been part of theirs. "There may be mutual influences," he says.

Further reading:

"Attachment behavior in dogs" by József Topál, Adam Miklósi and others, Journal of Comparative Psychology, vol 112, p 219 (1998); "Dog-human relationship affects problem solving behavior in the dog" by József Topál and others, Anthrozoos, vol 10, p 214 (1997); " Domestic dogs use human and conspecific social cues to locate hidden food" by Brian Hare and Michael Tomasello, Journal of Comparative Psychology, vol 113, p 173 (1999)

New tricks and old dogs

Canine remains at human burial sites led researchers to suspect that dogs became domesticated around the time that our nomadic hunter-gatherer ancestors settled down to grow crops, around 14 000 years ago, long before we acquired goats, cattle and sheep. But in 1997, Carles Vilá and researchers in Robert Wayne's lab at the University of California at Los Angeles blew this idea wide open.

They compared mitochondrial DNA from 67 breeds of dogs with that from wolves, coyotes and jackals. The studies revealed at least four separate lines of descent from dogs back to wolves, showing that there were at least four successful attempts to domesticate them. The real surprise, though, was the high level of genetic variation between different breeds. "The mitochondrial DNA data suggest very clearly that the diversity found in dogs might have an origin much older than 14 000 years," says Vilá. Knowing the rate at which these DNA sequences change, he estimated that the split with wolves--and hence domestication--occurred around 135 000 years ago.

If this is right, domestication started at around the time that our own species evolved, and perhaps not long after our ancestors acquired language. Pet ownership could well pre-date such cultural mainstays as art and the practice of burying the dead. But even Vilá, now at Uppsala University in Sweden, accepts that the date is controversial. Wayne hopes new research will pin it down. "We are examining ancient breeds, such as the Xolo, ancient remains from the Middle East and South America of the earliest dogs and nuclear genetic markers," he says.